If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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