You can't motorboat a personality
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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