i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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