when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
