Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
