i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
