covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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