Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
