The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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