i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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