last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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