the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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