I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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