I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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