Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
