i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
