the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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