Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
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the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
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He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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