does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
