How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
