apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
