The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
