so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
