god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
