When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
