Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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