just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
