i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
