well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
