Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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