Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
