Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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