I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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