No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
