so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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