why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
