I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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