You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
