i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He better not be in your backpack
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
