And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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