you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
