so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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