anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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