Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
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