bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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