I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
