put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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