I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
