In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
