Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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