I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
