just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
