im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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