How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
