dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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