I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
