This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
