Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
