Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just got carded by a ten year old.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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